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i’m in a constant state of unsettled, unhappy, unachieved, unbalanced, unpleased, uneverything and it’s just always bringing me down further and further. nothing is ever just there, nothing is ever just good. i’m tired. i’m lonely. i’m bored. i’m sick of the neverending cycle of this. i’m sick of the ever changing never simple things that we go through. does it all even mean anything? if it does is it worth it? how long can all this just go on and on and on? i’m sure forever, but is that good? is that the desired goal? forever? well i’ve never done this before so my mistakes are white. i don’t know what i’m doing and neither do you. i’m just looking for a way to make it easier, less painful. people exist for us to experience, and i’ve experienced all kinds of you. do you take me in like that? do you feel me like that? do you take that into consideration? does it mean anything? i’m trying to get through the lonely. no one wants it. you don’t, and you do things to fix it. we gravitate to people who can take that away. i don’t have anything but this place and home. and it’s all lonely because you are never there anymore. it’s not what i wanted and it’s not how i pictured it to be. i’m sure i’m weak. i should have died when i was born, the strong survive, and i am not strong. i have strong thoughts and opinions, but as expected, i wanna curl up and snuggle where i can feel protected and i don’t have anywhere to do that. i hate myself and sometimes think about the cut or the shot that could make it go away and i wonder if it will ever be noticed, or if i’ll be missed for my chapstick obsession or my tomato cheeks or the way i twist my ankle every month, or for all the stress and irritation i cause. stupid drama. all in all, i probably just want something that i don’t have and once i have it, i’ll look for something else, or a way to break it, manipulate it, and life just goes and goes and i just get closer and closer to wanting to die because i don’t know what else to do… just the silly girl who can’t stop thinking, talking, wanting, pondering, wishing, dreaming, obsessing about every little thing until it’s turned into something a million times larger than it is… what a waste of everything good that i could be. what an impression you must have of me…